Helen Palmer, The Enneagram in Love & Work: Understanding Your Intimate & Business Relationships, HarperSanFrancisco, 1995

Point One: The Perfectionist

One in Love
Living with Ones:

• Do remember details. Ones are detail conscious. They appreciate small gestures: being on time, remembering names, proper introductions.
• Speak respectfully. Make sure no one looks foolish. Ask for permission.
• Compliment thrift, effort, and dependability. Don't expect compliments in return.
• Cultivate your character. Set improvement goals. Don't flaunt your achievements.
• Admit error immediately. Admission clears the air and prevents resentment.
• Bring novelty and fun to relating. Ones tend to repeat the known.
• Avoid power struggles. Ones need to be right. There are at least two right ways.
• Maintain your own interests. Ones work long hours on their own.
• Humor is especially helpful. Worry vanishes with gentle humor.
• Ones perfect relationships. "What are our responsibilitites?" "What are we learning?" "What does right relating mean?" Ethics of relating are reviewed.
• Scorched-earth policy. If the relationship develops a negative aspect, Ones think about calling the whole thing off. Relationships seem either black or white.
• Once committed and convinced, Ones dig in. Extremely loyal. Value a family.
• Guilt. Pleasure signals anxiety: lightning may strike if we're having fun.

One at Work
In the Workplace:

• Likes specific guidelines and schedules. Loopholes are traumatic.
• Practical. Reshapes abstract approaches into step-by-step procedures.
• Likes schedules and accountability, knowing who's responsible for what.
• Keeps track of detail.
• Energy that could go to product may be diverted to details.
• Looks for evidence of ethical character -- discipline, manners, appearance, respect.
• Prefers doing over feeling. Wants to focus on work rather than work relationships.
• Aware of critical points about a program but has a hard time proposing broad solutions. Too much room for error.
• Secure in a formal role. Wants to respect hierarchy and authority.
• Aware of the resume and the record. "Good people have a good history."
• Devoted to work for its own sake. Takes pleasure in a job well done.
• Works hard for the right cause, for the good leader, for the competent team.
• Compares own effort to others'. "If they work, I work. If they don't, I won't."
• Keeps score. Notes what others do right and wrong. Will defend others if they're in "the right." Airs the grudge list if they're in the wrong.
• Can mask sense of personal entitlement by working for a good cause. "I deserve respect and special treatment because I do good in the world."
• Wants rewards for effort and competence but will not ask. May displace resentment over nonrecognition onto details and petty interactions. Legitimizes hurt feelings by finding fault with others.
• Finds it hard to delegate responsibility. Worries about getting the job done right.
• Doesn't want to be compromised by the mistakes of others. Will hold a loner's stance until the source of error is assigned.
• Afraid to be wrong. Prone to power struggles and arguments about who's right.
• Shifts blame. "There was a reason," "It wasn't my fault."
• Avoids risk. Risk leads to mistakes. When in doubt, wait. Don't take chances.
• Strong advocate for those who work under a disadvantage or who improve as a result of personal effort.

Point Two: The Giver

Two in Love
Living with Twos:

• Wants to be the central figure in your life. "I don't need you, but you depend on me."
• Learn to recognize the Two's manipulation tactics, complaints and guilt, for example. The Two will try to maneuver you into doing what he or she wants.
• Twos exert control while appearing to bend and to be subservient.
• Their heavy emphasis on relationship makes Twos vulnerable to rejection and loss.
• Encourage the Two to be authentic.
• Expect big emotions. Anger and rising hysteria are signals of unmet needs. Twos may not know what they want, but they can get hysterical if they don't get it.
• Be aware that short bursts of superficial feeling scatter concentration. Hysterical laughter, hyperactivity, and flirtations cover insecurity about the Two's own needs.
• Realize that sex or affection seem equal to love.
• Be sensitive to the Two's likely inexperience with real intimacy. Sexual and emotional feelings have been repressed in the interests of altering to attract attention. "I can please you, but what do I really feel for you?"
• Allay the underlying belief that personal will must lead to abandonment. The Two needs to be reassured that you will still love her or him even if the Two doesn't meet your every need.
• Beware: Twos are attracted to relationships with obstacles. Obstacles forestall having to face the confusion that surrounds an available, intimate relationship.
• Twos like to triangulate, to be attracted to some "great man" or inspiring woman ("muse") while being involved in a more available romace. That way they can hedge on commitment, not risk rejection so much.
• Don't be surprised when the Two starts fighting for freedom, feeling sold out by the habit of pleasing others, including or especially you. "I've served your needs, what about mine?" "Go take care of yourself!"
• Expect Twos to get angry when emerging real needs differ from their usual pleasing behavior.

Two at Work
In the Workplace:

• Takes own identity from authorities who can offer support. The right-hand man. The secretary who knows the secrets. The power behind the throne.
• Highly responsive to approval and encouragement. Crushed by disapproval.
• Keeps tabs on office interactions. The information pipeline, the party coordinator, the one who knows when invitations get sent.
• Associates with "worthwhile" people. Sidesteps those who aren't.
• Has complicated office strategies. Backs favorites. Often an unrecognized conflict between an ambition to be first and wanting to please.
• Works for the respect of important people in the field, the power elite. "Who do we know that will endorse our project?"
• Safety lies in pleasing authority. Fears opposing power alone.
• May choose work because it has value to a loved one.

Point Three: The Performer

Three in Love
Living with Threes:

• Threes feel loved for their achievements, not for who they are.
• The Three frames the relationship as an "important task" that can be built.
• The Three expects appreciation from a mate for a winning image and style.
• Be aware of your Three's tendency to "do" feelings, for activity to replace affect, and to adopt the role of the perfect lover with a script of endearing things to say.
• Help your partner slow down activity related to intimacy long enough to be affected by intimate feelings.
• Your Three partner will be intolerant of "darker" emotions. Wants to tune out negative feedback. "Let's stay energetic and happy," "Let's do something together," "Let's have fun."
• If the Three partner takes responsibility for other people's "negative" feelings ("What should I do to make you happy?"), hold out the possibility that there is no quick solution to pain.
• Understand that your Three can readily confuse ideas about emotions with the real thing.
• And, as real feelings emerge, your Three can be in a quandary: "Do I have the right one? Am I doing this right? Tell me what I should feel."
• So Threes become especially anxious when activity is suspended and feelings begin to come forth.
• Three partners need to be assured that they are loved for themselves, not as the prototype of the perfect mate.
• A Three's heart is in his or her work. The Three will therefore need a strong push from a partner to take time away from work.

Three at Work
In the Workplace:

• Assumes own ability. The instant expert.
• Confuses real self and work role. "I am what I do."
• Takes on the image and feelings of a task. Prototype of the profession.
• The priority is to be efficient and save time, even if this means cutting corners. Takes the shortcut. Does several things at once. "Details later."
• Will stay on an expansionist track until the task is opposed, then parlay options for the biggest possible win.
• Feels rage when tasks and goals are interrupted. Anger is usually task specific.
• Values product over process. "How much did I produce?"
• Being respected for ability as a worker is more important than being liked.
• Machinelike achiever. Expects others to work in the same way.
• Projects a high-profile image -- credentials, social standing, "who's who."
• Exerts power over people; competes for leadership roles.
• Wants a clear path to success. Shoots for defined goals. Wants reward for effort. Intolerant of ambiguous returns.
• Pays selective attention to positive feedback. Image has to be maintained. Intolerant of criticism. Places responsibility elsewhere if failure occurs.
• Avoids failure. Switches tracks. Finds a presentation that works.
• Has difficulty telling the difference between being admired as a leader and being liked for himself or herself.

Point Four: The Romantic

Four in Love
Living with Fours:

• Remember that Fours feel that something is missing. Others have what's missing. Focused on the quality of feeling in other people's relationships, the Four worries: "They have it. I don't."
• You can easily be dismayed by your Four's attraction to the distant and the unavailable, positive attention to whoever is missing: the ghostly lover, the distant friend, the unfulfilled dream.
• Count on complex relating. Nothing is simple. Depth is the goal rather than fun.
• Expect impatience with the "flatness" of ordinary feeling. "Surely there is more than this." Relating is intensified by sabotage, suffering, and dramatic acts.
• For Fours the present seems unreal. All relating is building toward the emergence of the "real" self through the agency of love. The ultimate disclosure, the transcendent moment, the reawakening of the soul.
• It's always showtime: mood, manners, luxury, and good taste as a setting for relationship. Unique self-presentation compensates for inner feelings of deprivation. The art form of keeping feelings contained. Conversational innuendo, aesthetic distance, the implication of a special glance. Relating through romantic idealization.
• For Fours, it's the pursuit not the happiness that matters: a refined and bittersweet emotional sensibility. A mood of melancholy. Love is many layered and goes through many phases. The stages of letting go are unusually slow.
• Fours sweetly reminisce about people from the past and focus on lovers, experiences yet to come. Attention on present opportunities are weak and intermittent.
• Push-pull habit of attention. The Four's focus turns to your negative aspects when you are present and to positive aspects with the safety of distance.
• This way of paying attention reinforces the Four's feelings of abandonment and loss, but also lends itself to:
• Sensitivity to your emotional states and the ability to support you when you suffer pain.

Four at Work
In the Workplace:

• Wants distinctive work. A job that calls for creativity, even genius, an eccentric edge in presentation, a unique approach to business life.
• Must feel respected in the workplace for personal vision and ideas.
• Efficiency is tied to mood. Attention gets displaced from tasks when emotional life takes over. Can sabotage business life over a love affair.
• Wants to be connected to special authority, to those in the field who stand for quality rather then popularity.
• Feels demeaned by plebeian work, the definition of which is different for every Four. Gardening can be work for plebs. So can being a CEO.
• Feels called to emotionally intense lines of work: grief counselor, animal rights activist, the suicide hot line late at night.
• Aggressive and cutting toward competitors or peers in the same field. Attracted to successful people outside his or her own sphere of interest.
• Does not flourish in a work environment that requires close cooperation with others who are more skilled, more valued, or better paid.

Point Five: The Observer

Five in Love
Living with Fives:

• Because Fives have delayed reactions, their feelings can surface when they're alone. They find intimacy in private reverie. Great tenderness can develop without the need for words or prolonged personal contact.
• Fives' cycle of withdrawal can lead to feelings of isolation and the desire to have others draw them out. They are caught between wanting contact and wanting to go.
• Intimacy can stimulate detachment. Significants may get the message "I can still do without you," or "I'm committed, but I won't live with you."
• You may be compartmentalized, separated from other aspects of the Five's life.
• Expect a Five to express intimacy in nonverbal ways. Fives sense that feelings can surface more easily if they need not be spoken.
• An emotionally attached Five may become fiercely possessive of you. You may feel like his or her emotional lifeline.
• Partners will get lots of support when the Five is free of personal obligations and doesn't feel forced to respond.
• Noninvolvement is the Five's habitual emotional stance. Partners should therefore read "negative" feelings such as anger, jealousy, and competition, as well as "positive" feelings like sexuality and tenderness, as possible signs of increasing connection.

Five at Work
In the Workplace:

• Has a sense of limited energy reserves. Does not want time and energy to be used for other people's agendas.
• Works hard for the rewards of privacy and the freedom to pursue personal interests. Works to buy autonomy.
• Needs predictability. Wants to foresee in order to be prepared. Expects to have minutes from the last meeting and names of those who will attend the next one.
• Attention gravitates to others in the environment. Feels their intrusion. Often finds it hard to concentrate in the presence of others.
• Freezes when unexpectedly questioned or when a spontaneous reaction is called for. Needs to withdraw in order to figure things out.
• Strictly avoids conflict. Puts up a wall of memos and secretaries as protection against emotional scenes.
• Values unemotional decision making. The use of feelings as a rudder for decisions appears to be a loss of control. Can usually see through the flattery and charismatic leadership.
• Extremely productive when in a decision-making role that is protected from frontline interactions.

Point Six: The Trooper

Six in Love
Living with Sixes:

• Sixes question your intentions: suspecting your positive regard, wondering what you really think, undervaluing romance.
• A Six can be a loyal ally, strong in an "us against the world" relationship, a devoted supporter.
• Sixes want reassurance to overcome doubt. "Will you always love me?" There's no right answer for this one. A positive response leads to doubt of your sincerity, further assurances are required, and so on.
• Sixes tend to project personal dissatisfaction, for instance, denying their own wandering eye by "seeing" that you are attracted to someone else.
• Expect a Six to identify with the problem areas of relationship, which become the focal points of attention.
• A Six wants to affect you (for example, through warmth, by a dutiful alliance, or through sexual power) rather than be affected. Sixes find it frightening to have their own desires aroused, to realize that they are vulnerable to what others do. They prefer to show strength by assisting others to attain their goals, are capable of significant self-sacrifice.
• Don't count on Sixes to be able to locate the source of tension in intimacy. "Am I afraid of showing weakness? Am I sensing a possible betrayal?" They expect hurt when their guard goes down.
• A Six searches for clues in your behavior. "What's going on underneath the surface? How do you act toward other people? What do you really think of me?" They need reassurance.

Six at Work
In the Workplace:

• Has strong analytic powers. Attention shifts to questioning and examining the opposite position. Doubt and a suspicion of the obvious develop clarity.
• Overvalues authority's power. Invests those who project an authoritative image with far more power than they actually possess. Feels weakened by comparison.
• Reacts against own weakness by either seeking protection from authority (loyalist) or attempting to bring it down (rebel). "At your feet or at your throat."
• Tries for superhero status as a compensation for inner anxiety. Has to prove self to others. Self-mastery. Toughing it out. Braced against fear.
• Able to act, to go full out when up against the odds. Will compete when the odds are against a win. Defends the underdog. A business turnaround.
• Tests an argument. Sensitive to the weak spots in any position. The loyal opposition. "Yes, but..." The devil's advocate. "Let's consider the other side."
• Action paralysis. Finds it hard to keep moving forward effectively when success begins to materialize and hard to focus when there is no opposition. Doubt sets in until positive options begin to seem unreal.
• Has tendency to diminish a powerful success. Blowing it, losing time, losing the critical file in a computer crash. Sense of endangerment arises in the exposed successful stance. Backlash from the belief that nobody likes authority.
• Has difficulty locating the source of tension connected to success. "Is it that my subordinates do not like authority?" "Am I sensing a behind-the-scenes attack? Is a takeover likely?" "Why don't I feel the pleasure of a win?"

Point Seven: The Epicure

Seven in Love
Living with Sevens:

• The main problem is getting a Seven to see the problem.
• An ideal mate is someone who adores the Seven and will keep the Seven company while he or she has a good time.
• Sevens want high levels of stimulation, adventure, and multiple options of activity. Because they have great difficulty staying with negative feelings, they'll want to diffuse disagreement and sweeten the situation. "Shouldn't we go to dinner and a show?"
• Sevens want to be with partners who mirror their own high self-image.
• Sevens are pleasant when you admire them. But they'll ridicule or discount you or the situation when they're challenged or placed in an inferior position. They make nice or make fun of.
• Acutely sensitive to boredom and repetition in relationships, Sevens can adopt new interests and maintain a charming lifestyle to keep the spark alive.
• Sevens go with the flow. They want to cycle in and out of encounters with people, to arrive on a high note, to leave with good feelings, to return when the flow brings you back together again.
• Expect Sevens to get angry when the flow is interrupted. They don't want to be brought down by someone of lesser mind.
• Sevens become acutely aware of the limitations when you call for commitment. They can live in committed relationships for decades and still be uneasy with the concept. Long-term commitments are "a process" and an adventure.
• Sevens take a multidimensional approach to intimacy. They'll be fascinated by your various aspects. They'll want to do many different things with you and will support your dreams and activities.

Seven at Work
In the Workplace:

• Offers a sweet solution to authority problems. Wants to equalize authority, which can come out either as a fair peer arrangement or as a situation engineered to ensure that no one is allowed to give orders. If no one gives orders, then people get to do as they please.
• Can become insistent about impractical ideas and inefficient approaches. Prefers ideas and theory to implementation. Will open a task to new approaches rather than face routine.
• Goes through the cracks rather than confronts. An antiauthoritarian stance that gets around the rules by broadening the definition of terms.
• Excellent performer in open-ended projects that do not move into routine. Networks, plans, synthesizes ideas and approaches. Aligns the project with other areas of interest.
• Has an inner sense of capability and high self-worth. Measures self against others to keep this sense of self alive. "Am I superior or inferior?" "Do I stand above or below?" "Am I on top of this project, or will it get me down?" Positive self-image can be punctured by negative feedback.
• Has a tendency to bend people's minds in order to get their support. Reframes objections. Puffs the possibilities. Puts forward a lucid idea without considering backup. Offers convincing generalities with lots of little loopholes. Offers suggestions that sound like promises.
• Delightful to work with. Can be forgiving and creative during hard times. The office person who wins the popularity poll.

Point Eight: The Boss

Eight in Love
Living with Eights:

• Eights like partners who are independent and strong, and they enjoy fighting, sex, and adventure as ways of making contact. Because Eights experience deep joy in sexuality, they are willing to match the partner's intensity.
• Their lust for life and desire for stimulation mean late hours, heavy entertainment, and binges. Too much, too loud, too many. If something's good then they want more of it.
• Eights' tendency toward excess, all or nothing, all work and no play, or all play and nothing gets done, may burden the partner with the task of keeping the different areas of life in balance.
• Episodes of strict control followed by disobedience are Eights' demonstrations of power. First they make the rules, then they break them to stimulate interest when boredom sets in.
• Eights need control and will therefore want to predict your intentions.
• Their fear of being controlled displaces into the territorial control of schedules, personal objects, and physical space.
• Because Eights cannot tolerate ambiguity or lack of information, your small oversights may be perceived as a betrayal of trust. They may feel that you've overlooked their options or left them out of a decision.
• When affected by softer emotions, can deny feelings by withdrawal, by claiming boredom, or by beginning a process of self-blame for past misdeeds.
• Eights rarely allow themselves to be hurt by others. If you hurt them emotionally, they will want to manipulate circumstances in order to get back. Thoughts of revenge will forestall their feelings of vulnerability.
• Partners will find Eights to be rallying points during difficulty, towers of strength in dangerous times.

Eight at Work
In the Workplace:

• Controls the office hierarchy. Sets limits to ensure self-protection. Who's in charge? Is the leadership fair?
• May see compromise as weakness.
• Will assume leadership. The focus of attention goes to others who are strong contenders for control of the project, the firm, the loyalty of followers. Respects honest leadership. Likes a worthy opponent.
• Unwittingly polarizes people into factions. Wants to know where everyone stands. Will provoke to get clear answers.
• Concerned about justice and protection.
• Anger is direct. No hidden agenda. Holds no grudges if anger is expressed.
• "My way or the highway." Sees own opinion as the correct approach.
• Enforces rules that support personal advantage. Bends the rules that don't.
• Demands to be fully informed. Changes in details can stimulate concern about being manipulated.

Point Nine: The Mediator

Nine in Love
Living with Nines:

• Once a Nine merges with you it is hard to separate. Relationships can continue for years beyond the natural stopping point. Nines find it hard to give up memories of old relationships so that new ones can develop.
• You'll find that Nines divert attention from feelings by becoming preoccupied with unessentials. They search for alternatives to forestall arguments. they are often laconic and uncommunicative about what they really feel: "Let the unspoken remain unsaid."
• Nines retreat into habitual patterns and trivial concerns ("lots of little things to do") rather than really engaging in the relationship. Energy spreads to the mechanics of living together: the house repairs, the mortgage rate. As a Nine's partner, you will find yourself being the active agent for change.
• The Nine will say back what you want to hear. This does not imply that the Nine agrees with you. It's hard for Nines to say no because your needs sound louder than their own.
• Nines fantasize about merging with ideal partners and being swept into a new life. The flip side of merging with the lives of others is that the Nine blames you when things go wrong.
• Relationships deepen when the Nine can merge with you without any loss of personal identity.

Nine at Work
In the Workplace:

• Relaxes in the absence of friction. Wants things to feel comfortable and to run without hassle. Wants the "job family" to get along. Has a deep desire to have good feelings on the job, between authority and employee.
• Flourishes in conditions of positive support, but avoids self-promotions. Wants recognition but will not ask.
• Likes procedures, lines of command, and rewards to be well defined. Likes to adjust own energy output to a predictable set of guidelines. No sudden surprises, please.
• Can go on automatic and produce a great deal of work. Suspends awareness of own agenda while following routine.
• Energized by a productive routine and other people's enthusiasm for projects.
• Wants a structure to support decisions. Doesn't like to make decisions. Goes by the book; keeps spontaneous decision making at a minimum.
• Cautionary in taking risks. Feels safer in known routes. Goes with what has worked in the past. Avoids risks that raise hopes, for fear of disappointment.
• Forestalls a decision by gathering information. Puts off essentials while the unessentials get done. Strategic use of deadlines produces magnificent last-minute saves.
• Feels overwhelmed with too much to do. Finds it hard to focus on a business priority when items of lesser importance seem like equally pressing concerns.
• Often ambivalent about authority. Has difficulty setting priorities and getting going, but is stubborn about taking directions from others.
• First expresses anger on the job covertly by ignoring the problem or shifting blame to the structure, to mismanagement, to other people at work.

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